We tested destiny and the power of the stars to help us find a boyfriend

Listen, is a cute boyfriend too much to ask for? We think not, but there’s a distinct lack of romantic attraction being directed our way and we’re not okay with it. So when we saw this four-step plan on how to attract a Cancer (the star sign) boyfriend on WikiHow we knew we had to take it for a spin and see if we could bag ourselves a Cancer man.

And well, it was about as useful as you can imagine.

Step #1 – Appeal to his love of family

Our first tip was to “present a traditional feminine aura”. Um, what? Apparently by sticking a dress on and adhering to our traditional fem side we’d be matched up and married in no time. Who’d have known it was this easy!

Well, we’ve got the dress, but do we gots the man? *Shifty eyes* Can’t spot anyone so we must need to do more to solidify our romantic appeal.

What next? “Show off your homemaking skills.” We, er…. we mean…. maybe… not? We’re pretty prone to baking fails over here at MP! and even the most dedicated, diligent bakers of us fall apart when it comes to making Zoella-worthy delights.

If making cookies would get us the boyf of our dreams though, well, it was worth a shot.

Shoutout to our flatmates who seemed keen to know what we were up to when they spelt baking in the air. Hm, maybe this WikiHow article was actually onto something… no marriage proposals yet but it was early days.

Step #2 – Appeal to his organised side

In order to appeal to the organised side of our Cancer guy we needed to “keep a neat, organised appearance”. We were in luck with this one as we were already pretty meticulous about having a tidy desk and bedroom. We’re pretty proud of that one.

The kitchen though… after our earlier baking success it wasn’t looking too hot. We’d never attract the right kind of man with a kitchen masquerading as a bomb site though, oh no, so we moved onto the article’s next tip: “ask him to help you organise your space.”

Er, apparently that wouldn’t wouldn’t be happening then. What was wrong with the guys in our lives? Why didn’t they find us irresistible and alluring?

We needed to kick this up a notch – next step, please.

Step #3 – Make him feel needed

Apparently the next step was to appeal to his masculinity and act like the damsel in distress. Guys like that, right? Well, Cancer guys do so we’re told.

We didn’t have any DIY jobs that needed solving but we could do with some help taking our laundry down to the washing machine tbh. Our washload is usually pretty heavy *sigh*

Success! The apple of our eye had agreed to accompany us down to the laundry room where no doubt our need for him to carry the laundry basket down the stairs would woo him. We’d be swept off our feet before we could press “repeat spin cycle”.

Step #4 – Encourage him to trust you

In order to gain his trust, number one priority was to “stay within sight”. Er, pretty difficult given we’re separate being with separate lives but if the WikiHow article says so, we must obey!

Would it be considered stalking and/or harassment to just hang around outside their door for the full day? No?

Yeah, we sort of gave up this tip within about two minutes, as soon as we needed to pee. Definitely not the most pro-active way of finding a boyfriend, either. Especially when they don’t even open the door and acknowledge you.

The last-ditch tip we had to snag ourselves a boyfriend was “prepare yourself for his possessiveness”. Sorry WikiHow but this one sounds a little far past creepy and we’re not sure we’re comfortable with this, actually. Unfortunately we’re not into 50 Shades around these parts of the internet.

The outcome

So, did we attract a Cancer man and score ourselves a boyfriend like the self-help article promised we could? Yeah, not exactly. In fact: not at all.

Our flatmates are still just friendly acquaintances and we’ve had approximately 0 marriage proposals after all this effort we’ve gone to. Damn, what’s wrong?

Maybe we don’t need to change who we are or play up certain aspects to pull the right guy. Revolutionary! Maybe we don’t need to wear pretty dresses if we don’t want to or bake when we’re ill or tidy our desk to their liking. Maybe, in doing things we want when we want, we can attract the man of our dreams that way…

Food for thought. We’d rather be a fierce, independent feminist warrior than sit around waiting for the stars to align, or acting like someone we’re not just to please some guy.

What are your thoughts? Reckon we went about this all the wrong way or were the stars just a little awry on this fateful day?