Warning: this article is an abundance of Too Much Information. Thatâs periods for you.
Unfortunately we all have them. Once a month the red sea (or Niagara Falls, if youâd prefer) decides to up sticks and re-locate to our pretty underwear. Itâs one of the many downfalls of being a girl and, try as boys might to convince us, the cramps, general hormonal imbalance and the fact that blood is literally gushing out of our nether regions (soz) is definitely worse than being kicked in the testicles.
As is childbirth, but youâd be a moron to even think about suggesting a hit to the balls trumps a human head shooting out of a contrastingly smaller hole. And, lbr, if someone wants to deliver a knee to a dudeâs crown jewels, he probably did something to deserve it, anyway.
All that messiness aside, here at MP! we feel your time of the month pain. Itâs not fun and itâs most certainly not glamorous. But we are here to try and make those days at least marginally more comfortable for you.
We bring you the MP! Period Survival Kit, certified to combat the most trying week in every girlâs month.
1. Ice cream
We suggest Ben & Jerryâs Half Baked, combining arguably the best flavours, Chocolate Fudge Brownie and Cookie Dough. But whatever your preference, whether another flavour, brand, or even something a bit more vegan friendly, something cold and yummy is the one for soothing your period cramps. And it tastes good too, duh.
2. Chocolate and/or sweets
Yeah, we may have just suggested ice cream, but that doesnât mean other sweet treats have to be excluded. Gorge yourself, you deserve it.
3. Wine or the appropriate equivalentÂ
Obviously we donât condone underage drinking, so depending on your age, swap out wine for your favourite fizzy drink, or an exotic fruit juice you might not get day-to-day. Or if you are 18 or over but arenât a big wine drinker, how about a fruity cider that basically tastes like juice?
4. The comfiest pjs in the world
Whip out your novelty onesie or your fleeciest pjs. This week is a pineapple bun riding on the top of your head, with a make-up free face and seriously comfy jammies. You may not feel your most beautiful, but who does on their period?
5. Hot water bottle
It soothes those painful nether regions and is an extra plus in the colder months. We recommend one with a fluffy cover so you can cuddle it into you like a teddy bear.
6. Face masks
Just because youâre not feeling your fiercest doesnât mean you shouldnât pamper yourself. Purchase some face masks, or paint your finger and toenails. Whatever you feel up to, make sure you feel like a princess.
7. A good movie
Whether itâs a soppy rom com, something thatâs going to pull at your heart strings, or the ultimate comfort film (our go-to is âHarry Potterâ), set it up on your laptop and get cosy curled up in bed. For the ultimate period survival, youâll have all the above an armâs stretch away too.
We hope this helps you get through some of the worst weeks of your female lives. Periods arenât fun, but this at least makes them feel a little less horrendous, right?
Tweet us @maximumpop with all your recommendations! What is your go-to time of the month film? Choice yummy treats? Get in touch and help out a fellow uterus.