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Zayn Malik vs. A Runner Bean

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Zayn Malik – One Direction heartthrob, tattoo enthusiast and soon-to-be Mr Perrie Edwards. Seems like he’s got it all, doesn’t he? But is he cooler than a runner bean? There’s only one way to find out… that’s right folks, it’s time for another round of ‘Pop Star vs. a Vegetable’.

Zayn vs a Runner Bean

 

What’s in a name?

As any true Directioner knows, Zayn’s full name is Zain Javadd Malik. Pretty impressive, we’re sure you’ll agree. However, the humble runner bean is also operating under a catchy nickname – his real title is Phaseolus coccineus. We can’t really pronounce it either, but for sheer exoticism, the runner wins this round.

Runner Bean 1 :  Zayn 0

Little Things?

At 5 ft 9, Zayn isn’t the tallest pop star on the playground. But surely he can at least outgrow a bloody bean, right? Wrong – runner bean vines can grow up to 6ft in length, easily shooting past little Zayn. Another point to the vegetable.

Runner Bean 1 : Zayn 0

Can salad tweet?

The most popular runner-bean related Twitter account – actually the only runner-bean related Twitter account, is a vegetable shop in Dublin (@RNRBean) has attracted 551 followers. Zayn has well over 11 million. Conclusive proof that folk on the internet are far more interested in boybands than getting their five a day.

Runner Bean 0 : Zayn 1

Body art

If left to grow, the runner bean will develop beautiful red flowers beloved of gardening enthusiasts. If left on his own within 5 miles of a tattoo parlour, Zayn Malik will get a dodgy drawing of a wolf or a lightning bolt etched under his nipple. Another point to the bean.

Runner Bean 1 : Zayn 0

Greatest hits

Popular tunes featuring Zayn Malik include stonkers like ‘What Makes You Beautiful’, ‘Story Of My Life’ and ‘Best Song Ever’. Popular dishes featuring the runner bean include Irish Fish Chowder and Salt-Crusted Sea Bass. We think we’ll take the tunes.

Runner Bean 0 : Zayn 1

Friends and Family

The runner bean is a member of the Fabaceae family. Other members include the chickpea, the soybean and the alfalfa sprout. Zayn Malik is a member of the One Direction family. Other members include Harry Styles, Niall Horan and Louis Tomlinson. No contest.

Runner Bean 0 : Zayn 1

Health warnings

Although the runner bean is a healthy part of a balanced diet, it does contain traces of the poisonous carbohydrate-binding protein Phytohaemagglutinin, meaning they should be properly cooked before consumption. Zayn Malik may be short, surly and less good in a salad, but he probably isn’t going to kill you.

Runner Bean 0 : Zayn 1

FINAL SCORE: Runner Bean 3 : Zayn 4

Well, there you have it. It was a close-run thing, but our extensive investigation has proven that Zayn Malik out of One Direction is indisputably better than a runner bean. Time well spent, we’re sure you’ll agree.

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Written by Oliver Meakings

No dull pop stars allowed.

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