We all have them — the dreaded three to five days in which Niagara Falls is literally taking place right in the heart of our once-pretty underwear. Made better only by chocolate, a soppy movie and, under no circumstances, bearing witness to an insulting TV ad for tampons or sanitary towels.
And don’t be telling us it’s just our hormones playing up — the big brands definitely get it so, so wrong.
1. Will the women who only have periods for three out of those average of three to five days please stand up.
Do these people exist? Can their periods even really be called that? We’re ever so slightly jealous to hear a three day period is an actual possibility that people get to experience. What the actual eff.
2. Swapping the solace of our bed for mountain climbing or water sports. Oh, hell no!
Are you for real? The last thing our shedding uteruses want us doing is clambering about and pretending that we were healthy people before we got our periods.
3. Since when was our period blood blue? Eh?!
It’s basically just as gross as when a woman shaves her hairless leg in a razor ad. When showing off a sanitary towel’s absorbency, they use funny looking blue liquid as an example. Um, the red/brown blood gushing from our vaginas is very natural and normal — could you do us a favour and not censor it with legit unicorn blood? Save it for HP.
4. Why you gotta get Mother Nature involved?
Sometimes the ads basically demonise Mother Nature and periods. Yeah, we have to suffer through them and they’re pretty horrific, but ‘Mother Nature’ kind of makes it sound like this thing we should be ashamed of when actually it’s perfectly normal and kind of incredible… You know, when you get past all the agony of cramps and fear of leakage.
5. Discreet packaging can do one
Yeah, OK we’ve definitely felt a little embarrassed about getting our periods, especially in school and around boys. But by bringing out ‘discreet’ products and promoting it like it’s some big secret is just making it more of a taboo topic when, we repeat, it’s very flippin’ natural, thanks very much!
6. If you could dim down those smiles, that would be great
We jut can’t comprehend why the people in these adverts are still smiling. We turn into miserable assholes when we’re on and hole ourselves up in our room for the foreseeable — aside from toilet breaks, obvs.
7. But also… WHY DA F*CK YOU SMILIN’ FOR?
Yeah, we may have just said this one. But seriously. If you’re going to do all the other crap of chucking us down waterslides and making our periods be this big hush hush secret that boys need to be protected from, at least, for the love of God, portray periods somewhat realistically and ban smiling in adverts!
Phew! OK, we’re done. Tweet us @maximumpop with anything else that rubs you the wrong way in period marketing, because we’re honestly fuming.