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Kelly Clarkson Vs Kale


Welcome to another addition of Popstar Versus A Vegetable, the ultra-scientific segment where the humble popstar goes head-to-head with the mighty veggie in the biggest battle of singer versus food staple that we’ve ever encountered.

This week, we’re pitting the British staple of kale (like cabbage but sweeter, don’tcha know) against Kelly Clarkson, all-American songstress and all-round good girl in a battle of American veterans versus British vegetables. Here’s the results, dear viewers:

POPULARITY

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Kelly sold millions of albums across the world and has had the best longevity of any reality talent TV show winner we think we’ve ever seen. Sorry, Leona.

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Kale is pretty popular too – aside from looking a bit unappetising, kale’s got a history all the way back to the Middle Ages in Europe, around the time of wars, the end of the Roman Empire and the beginning of Madonna’s career.

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Kelly – 1, Kale – 1

LOVE LIFE

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Kelly’s recently told American Idol host and radio presenter Ryan Seacrest that she’s officially in love. Awwwww…

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While kale isn’t physically capable of dating anyone (and if it could, who’d admit to going on a date with a bit of cabbage), it’s definitely had dalliances with the British public and experienced some popularity there.

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Kelly – 1, Kale – 0

CONTROVERSY

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Kelly did spark a bit of a controversial moment amongst her fans when she admitted she liked a Republican candidate in the run up to this year’s US elections, but she soon dealt with the problem and her liberal fanbase calmed down once more.
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Kale has never been controversial. Ever.

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Kelly – 1, Kale – 0

TALENT

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Kelly’s a singer-songwriter with millions to her name and even acted in an American Idol spin-off movie called ‘From Justin To Kelly’. Don’t look it up, it’s a trainwreck of a film. But apart from that acting misfire, she’s pretty much the pop-rock queen of the radiowaves.

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Kale is also pretty useful – aside from fuelling Britain during World War II, it’s a vegetable used the world over, making it more useful than a tranquiliser dart in Mark Wright’s neck on a night out. Kale takes this one.

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Kelly – 0, Kale – 1

MORALS

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Kelly’s pretty moral – aside from being a strong gay rights advocate, she’s also done plenty of charity work and concerts for various organisations. Best of all, she has a ranch in Texas for animals that are no longer wanted, such as blind dogs and amputee goats where she provides care and helps find them a new family. Genuinely amazing.

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Kale… yeah, after that animal ranch stuff, kale could perform on one of Gary Barlow’s charity singles and we at team MP! couldn’t care less.

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Kelly – 1, Kale – 0

MARKETING

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Apart from the mis-step of brilliantly dark commercial flop ‘My December’, Kelly’s been pretty good at marketing herself (although we think she’s finally found the balance between her accessible poppier stuff and her deeper, more serious work in her latest album). Plus ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ did pretty damn well for itself and is continuing to do so across both sides of the pond, so kudos.

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Kale never really needed much marketing – it looked like cabbage, it tasted slightly better if you froze it first.
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Kelly – 1, Kale – 0

APPEAL

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This is basically a matter of:

‘My Life Would Suck Without You’

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‘My Dinner Will Suck With You’

Simple, really.

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Kelly – 1, Kale – 0

RESULTS: KELLY – 6, KALE – 2

And the results show that Kelly Clarkson has romped home with a 6-2 lead over the humbled kale. Don’t worry, kale, we’ll still love you; and Kelly, we always have. Check back regularly to read the next exciting instalment of Popstar Versus A Vegetable!

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Written by Oliver Meakings

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