Dear Justin Drew ‘Swaggie’ Bieber,
It has come to our attention that you have been getting yourself into rather a lot of bother whilst you’re over here in the UK. Your behaviour has been erratic and unpredictable. You left your concert in Birmingham on Thursday night without meeting any fans afterwards and came straight to London, where you walked shirtless in the streets in the early hours. Whilst, yes, we did appreciate your shirtlessness – it is lovely, no doubt about that – it isn’t very normal to be half-naked in London in March. It’s quite cold, even today, when the sun is out there’s still a crispness in the air. Maybe in comparison to London, Ontario the temperatures of London, England are positively tropical? But we doubt it. What’s wrong Justin?
Then there was the debacle with your birthday party on Friday night. We’re not certain what happened but we are certain that you can’t take a 14 year old into a nightclub, even if he is Will Smith’s son. Sorry about that. As for your “worst birthday” ever in London, again, we apologise that your massive circus-themed 19th birthday party was ruined. We think maybe we all just got a little over-excited. Because you see, those of us in England love you. Quite a lot.
You said you loved us too. But last night you broke a lot of hearts. For many of your young Beliebers this was their first chance to meet you, their idol, and see you in the flesh. Some had waited years for the opportunity, and some will have to wait a little longer. We’re not sure why you turned up late, but if you are angry about your birthday party being ruined, it wasn’t fair of you to take it out on your Beliebers. Turning up two hours late, on a school night, is not really acceptable and you compromised the safety of your beloved Beliebers, many of whom would’ve missed the last train home if they stayed til the end of your show. To your Beliebers, you mean the world, but this morning it seems as if they mean very little to you.
What can we, the English Beliebers, do to put right this fractious relationship we have Justin? What have we done wrong? We want an end to these countless tantrums and all these shenanigans. Whether you like it or not, you’re an idol and a role model to millions of youngsters around the world. They (and we) look up to you, so please don’t let us down. We’ll forgive you, probably, this time. But we want a prompt start, and an apology, tonight please.