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How to survive the toilet situation at any festival


Festival season is upon us. What we hope for: Sun, good music, and good vibes. What we expect: Outrageous prices and terrible toilet scenarios. But it’s all part of the festival experience, eh?

festival

Here we guide you through some of the key points to survival in this portaloo jungle.

1. If you’re camping? Better enjoy using those portaloos in the first day. They’re still pretty gross, but it is NOTHING compared to the pig swill that it shall become.

SAM_0351
yup, that’s a bunch of dudes doing their thing. You’re welcome.

2. Girls, do not leave it until you are absolutely bursting. Queues can be unexpectedly long, and you can be waiting for what feels like a painful eternity of crossed legs and the ‘wee wee dance’. Because a gentleman’s toilet looks like this:

SAM_0341
a loo with a view?

Whereas we ladies are stuck with these:

SAM_0273
(actual MP! writer entering an actual portaloo at an actual festival)

3. That’s not your ONLY option, girls. You can get yourself a She Pee, from Shewee (yup, it’s really a thing):

http://www.shewee.com/she-pee-by-shewee.html
http://www.shewee.com/she-pee-by-shewee.html

Would we recommend using one? NOT IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS! Tried, tested, not a fan.

4. Pack clever. Make sure you carry on your person AT ALL TIMES these two items for a happy toilet experience:

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31C4agE1Q+L._AC_UL320_SR294,320_

Trust. You will thank us for it later.

5. Pick your portapotty WISELY. Watch for the drunks and the slightly crazy and NEVER enter a portaloo after them unless you want to come face to face with your worst nightmare.

joffrey sick

6. Want to avoid the queues? Slip out from the crowd right before the act finishes, or just avoid using the loo in crossover times/end of the headliner.

7. Choose the right set. Scope out the arena. In this big, messy field human nature still applies, and humans be lazy. The toilets closest to the stage or the entrance to the campsites will be the busiest. Keep walkin’, go to the next lot.

make good choices

8. Sometimes you’ll wake up (or still be awake because let’s face it FESTIVAL CAMPING YAY!) and there’s no holding it. You gotta go. But the walk to the portaloos looks like this:

SAM_0274

It is possible, guys and gals, to do your thang in an empty pop bottle. Gross. But sometimes necessary (and probably cleaner). Just dispose of it responsibly, yeah?

9. Never trust a flying cup. If you’re stood in the crowd, waiting for that band to come on and cup of ‘beer’ flies over your head? Duck. Because boys are disgusting. That’s why.

beer

P.S. It’s not beer.

10. You can pay to use ‘posh loos’. But we’re not sure a couple quid for a cup of sawdust and a rickety trailer is really worth it.

11. Roll with it! Dudes, this is a festival. It’s sometimes going to smell bad, and you will have to use the dreaded portaloos. But you WILL have a lot of fun. And you will survive:

SAM_0275
whoever took these pics though… why?!

See? Re-emerging with all limbs attached and no diseases caught, Andrex carefully packed away. A job well done. Hurr hurr.

What are your tips for surviving the festival season? Tweet us @maximumpop

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Written by Sarah Clare

Profile photo of Sarah Clare

Sarah is the Lead Writer and Design Queen here at Maximum Pop! Sarah holds an MA in Professional Writing from Falmouth University, and a BA in Creative Writing with English Literature from Marjon (BIG UP THE MARJON MASSIVE!). Sarah joined MP! after seeing an advertisement for writers on Instagram – because where else would a design master find their dream job?

Sarah is currently working on an expose on Draco Malfoy in her spare time. But not if his father hears about it.