Festival season is upon us. What we hope for: Sun, good music, and good vibes. What we expect: Outrageous prices and terrible toilet scenarios. But it’s all part of the festival experience, eh?
Here we guide you through some of the key points to survival in this portaloo jungle.
1. If you’re camping? Better enjoy using those portaloos in the first day. They’re still pretty gross, but it is NOTHING compared to the pig swill that it shall become.
2. Girls, do not leave it until you are absolutely bursting. Queues can be unexpectedly long, and you can be waiting for what feels like a painful eternity of crossed legs and the ‘wee wee dance’. Because a gentleman’s toilet looks like this:
Whereas we ladies are stuck with these:
3. That’s not your ONLY option, girls. You can get yourself a She Pee, from Shewee (yup, it’s really a thing):
Would we recommend using one? NOT IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS! Tried, tested, not a fan.
4. Pack clever. Make sure you carry on your person AT ALL TIMES these two items for a happy toilet experience:
Trust. You will thank us for it later.
5. Pick your portapotty WISELY. Watch for the drunks and the slightly crazy and NEVER enter a portaloo after them unless you want to come face to face with your worst nightmare.
6. Want to avoid the queues? Slip out from the crowd right before the act finishes, or just avoid using the loo in crossover times/end of the headliner.
7. Choose the right set. Scope out the arena. In this big, messy field human nature still applies, and humans be lazy. The toilets closest to the stage or the entrance to the campsites will be the busiest. Keep walkin’, go to the next lot.
8. Sometimes you’ll wake up (or still be awake because let’s face it FESTIVAL CAMPING YAY!) and there’s no holding it. You gotta go. But the walk to the portaloos looks like this:
It is possible, guys and gals, to do your thang in an empty pop bottle. Gross. But sometimes necessary (and probably cleaner). Just dispose of it responsibly, yeah?
9. Never trust a flying cup. If you’re stood in the crowd, waiting for that band to come on and cup of ‘beer’ flies over your head? Duck. Because boys are disgusting. That’s why.
P.S. It’s not beer.
10. You can pay to use ‘posh loos’. But we’re not sure a couple quid for a cup of sawdust and a rickety trailer is really worth it.
11. Roll with it! Dudes, this is a festival. It’s sometimes going to smell bad, and you will have to use the dreaded portaloos. But you WILL have a lot of fun. And you will survive:
See? Re-emerging with all limbs attached and no diseases caught, Andrex carefully packed away. A job well done. Hurr hurr.
What are your tips for surviving the festival season? Tweet us @maximumpop