So, first of all, sorry for freaking the hell out of you all with that cover image. This post won’t be nearly as scary as that image suggests (though if that’s what you like we are happy to oblige if you give us some tweet love @maximumpop… )
Second of all…
Thanks Dumblers. Yes, cue eerie ‘Harry Potter’ soundtrack music. Cue a marvellous feast in the Great Hall. Cue Professor McGonagall’s stern stare.
Dude that’s not stern, that’s just creepy as hell. Don’t you remember we promised this post wouldn’t be freaky AF?
Boom. That’s the one. All the sternness (sternity?) goals.
Moving on (Taylor) swiftly, it’s time for Hogwarts to welcome a new cohort of students and you might just recognise a few of ’em.
Our first new student previously studied from home and in her spare time she loves to flex.
Many people look upon Slytherin as the evil house, but that simply isn’t true. While Voldemort was out being a grade-A douchebag, Camila was achieving her ambitions and being resourceful AF to climb to the top of the ladder. Ain’t nothing wrong with putting in the hard work, work, work to get what you deserve.
Next up is a particularly loveable wizard who goes by the name of…
Some say Hufflepuff is the loser house, but we’ve cast a tongue-tying jinx on those dudes so we’ll never have to hear their drivel ever again. A typical Hufflepuff, nice boy Niall is a pleasure to be around. He is loyal to a fault and hard working to boot.
Stop it Cedric… you’re making Niall blush.
Next up to plonk the grimy old sorting hat on her head is…
OH SON OF A BLAST-ENDED SKANK! A grindylow fell out of the hat.
Ari‘s gone and run off!
Taylor is a career-driven, natural-born leader who rivals Hermione for intelligence and Harry for nerve and determination. Just don’t get on the wrong side of her because she’s got a blank space and she WILL end you with her kick-ass spellwork. She ain’t afraid of the restricted section.
Next up it’s…
Witty, original and creative Troye used his wisdom and intelligence to conquer the world one YouTube view at a time. Five hundred billion views to Ravenclaw! This house also prizes individuality and acceptance, which Troye is undoubtedly the absolute BOSS of.
Almost there Luna.
The final student is…
Don’t hate on the hat. It has good reasons for putting Zayn in Slytherin. Our Zayn-y boy has a dark side and he broods even more than Severus Snape, but he has a heart of gold and he protects his own, i.e. his legions of fans. Ahem…US!
That’s all the students we have time for this time round. Tweet us @maximumpop if you agree with the sorting hat’s choices. Now all that’s left to say is.