At the end of the day, horror films are all about surviving. You root for your favourites to come out at the end still breathing, and shudder each time another character mysteriously goes missing – usually with an ear-piercing shriek or a trail of blood.
Now that CJ Skuse is essentially an expert in surviving horror stories, seeing as she’s written a bloody brilliant one – ‘Monster’ – we think she’s one of the best people to help you all survive whatever fictional baddies you come up against this Halloween. Check out her top tips below.
10 Things You Can Do to Avoid Being a Fictional Serial Killer’s Plaything
- Don’t leave the house – ever. Statistically, most fictional serial killers exist outside of one’s own house. So stay indoors, whack on a bit of Netflix and enjoy life. Outside is rubbish anyway, you’re not missing much.
- Don’t moisturize – fictional serial killers who have a thing for skinning you after killing you will probably want to wear your skin as some kind of suit and if you moisturise, you’re just making it easier for them to slide it off and turn you into a human onesie. Stay off the Nivea. It could save your life. (e.g. Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs)
- Don’t be American – most fictional (and real) serial killers operate in American high schools, frat houses, normal houses, country roads, bars, deserted parking lots and sidewalks. It’s just a fact. If you’re in America reading this, fly somewhere else. Now. Go on, book your ticket. I’m not going to say it twice.
- Suspect everyone – trust no one and don’t have any friends. Even the old woman with the walking frame. Even the toddler in the pushchair with the sinister little eyebrow. Even your own mother/sister/boyfriend. Everyone’s a suspect. Seriously, it doesn’t hurt to be too careful.
- The virgin thing is a myth – even if you are not sexually active, you could still be a target of a fictional serial killer. To be on the safe side though, perhaps wait to have any sort of sex until you’re, like, 50 or something, just in case. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger here. I’m just trying to save your life.
- Don’t do anything mean to anyone – ever. Statistically, the chances are, the killer is some loser geek from school who was mercilessly picked on for being a nerd and is looking to lash out. If it was you who called said loser names though, well, nice knowing you, Dumbass.
- Don’t go to sleep – ever. Fictional serial killers are known to strike at night. (e.g. Freddy Krueger, that one in the hockey mask, and that ginger doll thing, Chucky). You’ll thank me later (maybe, when you stop yawning).
- Don’t look in mirrors – Hello? This should be, like, Rule 1. Candyman appears in mirrors. Bloody Mary appears in mirrors. That ghost in What Lies Beneath writes death threats on mirrors in your own steam. Go and tape up all your mirrors right now. Go on. You do want to live to read 9 and 10, don’t you?
- Don’t invite trouble – if someone tells you there’s a man-eating beast roaming about the moors, DON’T GO ON THE MOORS. If there’s a mad axe murderer loose in your town, DON’T WALK AROUND THE TOWN AT NIGHT IN UNSUITABLE RUNNING SHOES. If there’s a house for sale where multiple murders were committed DON’T BUY IT. Simple really.
- Eat cake. Eat chips. Stay fat. Fat people are waaaaaay harder to kidnap.
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